No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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