So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
