There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
