it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
