I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
