I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
