alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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