watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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