I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
