i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
