his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
