Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
