Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
