My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
