the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
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Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
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Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.