Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
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But theres a keg here and me gusta
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.