im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.