you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
