apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
