wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
