just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
