did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
id be glad to
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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