you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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