The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
