the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
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