I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
