1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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