Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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