He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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