I can tuck mytits in my pants
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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