I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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