she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
