At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
