Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
