mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
