I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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