Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
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I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
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I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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