My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
