he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
