I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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