just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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