Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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