Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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