she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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