Non-Jews are for practice
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dignity is for republicans.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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