I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
