nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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