he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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