Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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