Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
