life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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