I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
