Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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