I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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