grandma shit on top of the toilet
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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