thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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