So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
