I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
