she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
