I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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