I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
