32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
