When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
