: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
